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I really struggle a lot with having a relationship with God after the years of sexual abuse and torment.  I wonder why He would allow me to go through so much anguish, day after day never ending.  Psalm 139 "You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me."  No matter how dark those days were and how fearful I was and still am, the Lord had His hand around me.  So many more horrors could have happened, but He knew what I could handle and He would not let anything else, anything even darker, seep in and utterly destroy me.  Not only did He protect me from even more horrible things, He has changed my heart into something far more beautiful, and stronger.  My trials are teaching me much in the ways of being more understanding of people.  In the future, I am sure He will use me to help many other battered women.  There are so many things I can list that God spared me from during all those years of abuse, and many more ways in which God will use for something good.

Romans 7:25 "Who will save me from this body of death?  Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!  So then, I serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin."  Because God has done a miraculous, wonderful work in my life, because I know he is my Abba who will never hurt me, I long to serve and love Him.  Now I long for when I will not suffer because I will be in His presence.  No more pain and tears or distractions.  I won't have flashbacks of torturous events or be depressed...  I will no longer feel intimidated by men and I will be able to function.  This is a mere glimpse of the hope we have in our Father, and which I must hold on to during those times when my heart doesn't want to trust and would rather run away in fear of punishment.