Fighting the Lie to Reveal the Truth

Lately I've been feeling like nobody in their right mind would ever want to love someone like me.  I have quite a vile past that makes me feel disgusting and unlovable, and my mind tries to tell me that even a godly man would view me as a burden or obstacle they wouldn't want to approach because it wouldn't be worth their time.  I'd be too difficult.  I've been trying to remind myself that this is most certainly not how my heavenly Father views me.  He looks at me like a treasured daughter whom He loves and gave His life for to save.  It wasn't until a dear friend of mine whom I cherish reminded me of a parable that Jesus told to the hypocrites he was dealing with at the time.   Jesus had entered a house as a guest and the host had refused to perform customary courtesies that included washing the feet of those who entered because they wore sandals and their feet got dirty on the road.  Instead, a prostitute who was hated in that culture came in, cried on Jesus' feet, wiped the tears away with her hair, then anointed him with some extremely expensive perfume because she understood what God's forgiveness meant for her.  When the Pharisee saw this, he got all uppity about it because he was judging her for her past, so Jesus turned to him and told him a story.  Basically, one guy owed 50 bucks and another guy owed 2,000 bucks to one man, but the man forgave both of their debts.  Jesus asked those around Him which of the debtors would be the most grateful, to which the obvious answer was "the guy who owed 2 grand."  Spot on.  The prostitute who wept over Jesus's feet and wiped off the grime with her own hair made me realize that those with a huge past who are FORGIVEN have so much more to be grateful for, therefore their love for God is GREATER than someone who was forgiven for very little.  Yes, I have been sexually abused hundreds of times in dozens of different ways, but that does not make me unlovable.  It does not make me filthy.  It does NOT mean that I am worth less than another person.  It certainly does not mean that I am a burden or obstacle that should be avoided.  What it DOES show is that because more grace has been thrown my way than to those who feel as though they have the right to cast people down, I am that much more thankful to God for His tremendous gift.  When people look at me, I want them to see Christ through my thoughts, words, and actions.  Now when I look at myself, I can see a beautiful daughter of the King who has been redeemed, who definitely does have a past...  But now I have a past that is being used for God's glory.  I had to wade through the muck which the Lord graciously allowed me to endure so that it can be used for good.  "All things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose."  I am valuable, I am cherished, and my past is exactly that: the past.  All of my sins and all of the burdens I carry have been put to death through Christ's work on the cross and I can walk forward now as a NEW CREATION!  I don't know why God chose to love me but He did and now I can rejoice over all the suffering I've had and will still go through because my suffering makes me so much more thankful for this gift.  I am changed and I boast in my sufferings because it has quite clearly shown the sheer power of God.  Praise the One who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead! 

Scripture: Luke 7, Romans 8:28, 2 Corinthians 12:8-10.

Hope After Nightmares

I'm sitting here at one in the morning, just woken up from a nightmare.  When I woke up I was bewildered and confused - I felt so shaken up and like something had a hold of me that left me feeling so helpless and lonely.  I felt surrounded by an unseen enemy.  It seems like there are only certain periods of time where I have continual nightmares and I pray that they don't start back up again, but as I was lying there in the dark with tears streaming down my face, a phrase from Psalm 13 rang through my brain and it was only because of the constant reminders of the gospel that I was able to find instant joy.  "... But I have trusted in Your steadfast love; my heart rejoices in Your salvation.  I will sing to the Lord, for He has been good to me."   My God is not the author of evil.  He wrote the perfect love story contained in the gospel - the one where He valiantly set out to save my soul from pain that would last forever - completely outside of time.  I'm only on this earth for around 80 years and that's hardly a blink of an eye in the span of eternity.  For now, I am here to work, so I have accepted that we will all suffer in some way in this life.  However, we can still find true JOY along the journey because we have a hope in that His strength is "made perfect in weakness."  God is working through our weaknesses and I am learning to boast in my weakness because His power is on full display and I always have the assurance that Christ already conquered our condemnation.  Now I can go back to sleep with tears of joy on my face. :)   2 Cor 12:9-10

Contempt - Self and Others

Tonight in group we were talking about how sexual abuse affected our emotions, growth, and relationships with a focus on contempt.  I'm noticing a lot of survivors have so much more contempt not only for themselves as they blame themselves for certain things, but we also have a fair amount of contempt for other people.  I know I definitely do, and I think the reason is to create some sort of "safe" or "comfort" zone for us to be able to cope in.  Putting on that tough persona puts distance between me and others, so that doesn't give them room to betray me because I haven't let them get close to me. 

But...  Some of the behaviors that were common in contempt were really interesting to me, and somewhat absurd in my opinion.   Things like accepting compliments from people...  It should be easy but it's SO HARD!  When the ladies in my group keep telling me that I'm really intelligent, they're inspired when I apply the gospel to everything and quote scripture, how I reach out to others constantly no matter what, blah blah blah, my immediate reaction is to doubt what they're saying.  I think they're lying to me because we're in a group for sexual abuse so we need to try to make each other more confident, so they're "just saying that."  Then I move on to contempt for myself.  I put myself down all the while forgetting that I am a beautiful daughter of the King.  I start wondering "Okay, if these women seem to see all these things in me and keep saying that I have a lot to offer other people and even a future husband, then why hasn't anyone else noticed?"  I must have faith in God that He is rearing up someone extra special who can handle my background (is that personal contempt?) and also be a spiritual leader.  The truth is that contempt for others and maintaining that "safe" barrier is lonely.  It's unhealthy.  It makes me feel safer, but I am starting to see how it will only hurt me in the long run.  Now the dilemma is how to let it down brick by brick, and how am I ever going to know who I can trust and let in my life, and who should never have the chance to make it in?  As a survivor who has been betrayed by almost everyone I ever let extremely close, I feel pretty burnt and I psychoanalyze situations.  I could go on and on, but the only thing that can put and end to all of these fears and areas of contempt is Christ.  Once again, that great love story where the most high God left perfection and became low so that he could redeem his daughter.  He was with me in the midst of all my suffering and he's with me now, regardless of all the bad things I've done or all the bad things that have been done to me.  So I will sit in His presence and share my whole life with Him - all the emotions like depression, anger, anxiety, etc., and all my concerns for the future.  All my struggles, all my victories in His name.  It's beautiful that He still wants to be my father no matter what, so my only hope is to first stop pushing God away out of fear.  Next I can slowly remove the brick wall I've assembled around myself to keep my fellow man outside... and let him in.

Trust Issues and Rambles

This is fairly blunt and laying it out there, but I'm writing this to give some people a little perspective, to get a small glimpse of what it's like in the mind of a survivor because me and my friends are tired of hearing that we need to move on and forget about it when they have no clue what it's like.  Those idiots are why we're losing faith in humanity, so close your mouth and start educating yourself before you open your mouth on the subject again.  I'm completely honest about the facts of life because whether you like it or not, this sort of thing is happening all around you and my future mission in life is to fight against it.

New Year...  It's customary to reflect on the previous year but I'll do that later because something is bugging me.  Trust.  How can I possibly let anyone close, ever?  Just thinking about the setup for abuse presents too many parallels with normal relationships.  I think this is how a perp finds a new victim (though steps could vary in order or some of these steps  may not even be present in some cases.  And some of these steps vary in time - it could be 10 minutes or a few years.):

1) Development of Intimacy and Secrecy.  We crave healthy relationships with people who will love us and won't screw us over.  Someone may show us that kindness and love while all the while our guard  goes down.  Then they test our loyalty through the keeping of secrets and the like while they are ultimately reeling us in.

2) Physical Contact That Appears Normal.  Once again, we want affection that doesn't necessarily have to be sexual.  Things like a hug or a back rub from a "friend" could be the perfect way to set someone up.  It takes the physical to a new level through longer and more intimate touch.  We may begin to question boundaries or brush it off thinking that they don't mean anything by it...  and we're probably psycho-analyzing things because we tend to do that all the time anyway, right?  Survivors have trust issues, but we try to be normal and put them aside sometimes.

3) Sexual Abuse Proper.  This is the actual act of physical contact or psychological interaction and it definitely varies in the degree of physical or psychological damage.  In the case with my coach, I was younger and more naive than I am now, so I thought I had more of a father figure instead of a creep who was slowly working towards ripping my pants off.  The little comforting caresses after a stressful day moved to my thigh, then my childhood reaction of dissociation kicked in when he ignored my statements that I didn't want to have sex with him.  The part where the psychological aspect comes in is with the shame and confusion.  I was made to believe I had had sex with a man for the first time, and later I felt shame in realizing my body had betrayed me when he made me orgasm.

4) Maintenance of Abuse and Secrecy Through Threats and Manipulation.  This pretty much speaks for itself.  Now that the abuse is here, just keep it up either through threats or by manipulating the victim until they think they don't have an out.

Starting an interpersonal relationship is extremely difficult when you're a survivor and you know what it's like to have someone gain your trust then molest you.  It happens a lot and these predators either exist aplenty and/or they just know how to choose their victims.  I am nearly unable to speak with anybody, man or woman, because I psycho-analyze and look for the signs in numbers 1 and 2.  Survivors of sexual abuse dread in the back of their minds that it will progress into 3 and 4... And that is why a lot of us are essentially alone.  I still try to fight PTSD during those rare times when I am able, but all of this is going to take some time.  I do, however, have one victory that took over a year to establish: I have let my guard down completely and made myself 100% vulnerable to one person.  THAT IS A START.