Tonight in group we were talking about how sexual abuse affected our emotions, growth, and relationships with a focus on contempt. I'm noticing a lot of survivors have so much more contempt not only for themselves as they blame themselves for certain things, but we also have a fair amount of contempt for other people. I know I definitely do, and I think the reason is to create some sort of "safe" or "comfort" zone for us to be able to cope in. Putting on that tough persona puts distance between me and others, so that doesn't give them room to betray me because I haven't let them get close to me.
But... Some of the behaviors that were common in contempt were really interesting to me, and somewhat absurd in my opinion. Things like accepting compliments from people... It should be easy but it's SO HARD! When the ladies in my group keep telling me that I'm really intelligent, they're inspired when I apply the gospel to everything and quote scripture, how I reach out to others constantly no matter what, blah blah blah, my immediate reaction is to doubt what they're saying. I think they're lying to me because we're in a group for sexual abuse so we need to try to make each other more confident, so they're "just saying that." Then I move on to contempt for myself. I put myself down all the while forgetting that I am a beautiful daughter of the King. I start wondering "Okay, if these women seem to see all these things in me and keep saying that I have a lot to offer other people and even a future husband, then why hasn't anyone else noticed?" I must have faith in God that He is rearing up someone extra special who can handle my background (is that personal contempt?) and also be a spiritual leader. The truth is that contempt for others and maintaining that "safe" barrier is lonely. It's unhealthy. It makes me feel safer, but I am starting to see how it will only hurt me in the long run. Now the dilemma is how to let it down brick by brick, and how am I ever going to know who I can trust and let in my life, and who should never have the chance to make it in? As a survivor who has been betrayed by almost everyone I ever let extremely close, I feel pretty burnt and I psychoanalyze situations. I could go on and on, but the only thing that can put and end to all of these fears and areas of contempt is Christ. Once again, that great love story where the most high God left perfection and became low so that he could redeem his daughter. He was with me in the midst of all my suffering and he's with me now, regardless of all the bad things I've done or all the bad things that have been done to me. So I will sit in His presence and share my whole life with Him - all the emotions like depression, anger, anxiety, etc., and all my concerns for the future. All my struggles, all my victories in His name. It's beautiful that He still wants to be my father no matter what, so my only hope is to first stop pushing God away out of fear. Next I can slowly remove the brick wall I've assembled around myself to keep my fellow man outside... and let him in.
No comments:
Post a Comment