This is fairly blunt and laying it out there, but I'm writing this to give some people a little perspective, to get a small glimpse of what it's like in the mind of a survivor because me and my friends are tired of hearing that we need to move on and forget about it when they have no clue what it's like. Those idiots are why we're losing faith in humanity, so close your mouth and start educating yourself before you open your mouth on the subject again. I'm completely honest about the facts of life because whether you like it or not, this sort of thing is happening all around you and my future mission in life is to fight against it.
New Year... It's customary to reflect on the previous year but I'll do that later because something is bugging me. Trust. How can I possibly let anyone close, ever? Just thinking about the setup for abuse presents too many parallels with normal relationships. I think this is how a perp finds a new victim (though steps could vary in order or some of these steps may not even be present in some cases. And some of these steps vary in time - it could be 10 minutes or a few years.):
1) Development of Intimacy and Secrecy. We crave healthy relationships with people who will love us and won't screw us over. Someone may show us that kindness and love while all the while our guard goes down. Then they test our loyalty through the keeping of secrets and the like while they are ultimately reeling us in.
2) Physical Contact That Appears Normal. Once again, we want affection that doesn't necessarily have to be sexual. Things like a hug or a back rub from a "friend" could be the perfect way to set someone up. It takes the physical to a new level through longer and more intimate touch. We may begin to question boundaries or brush it off thinking that they don't mean anything by it... and we're probably psycho-analyzing things because we tend to do that all the time anyway, right? Survivors have trust issues, but we try to be normal and put them aside sometimes.
3) Sexual Abuse Proper. This is the actual act of physical contact or psychological interaction and it definitely varies in the degree of physical or psychological damage. In the case with my coach, I was younger and more naive than I am now, so I thought I had more of a father figure instead of a creep who was slowly working towards ripping my pants off. The little comforting caresses after a stressful day moved to my thigh, then my childhood reaction of dissociation kicked in when he ignored my statements that I didn't want to have sex with him. The part where the psychological aspect comes in is with the shame and confusion. I was made to believe I had had sex with a man for the first time, and later I felt shame in realizing my body had betrayed me when he made me orgasm.
4) Maintenance of Abuse and Secrecy Through Threats and Manipulation. This pretty much speaks for itself. Now that the abuse is here, just keep it up either through threats or by manipulating the victim until they think they don't have an out.
Starting an interpersonal relationship is extremely difficult when you're a survivor and you know what it's like to have someone gain your trust then molest you. It happens a lot and these predators either exist aplenty and/or they just know how to choose their victims. I am nearly unable to speak with anybody, man or woman, because I psycho-analyze and look for the signs in numbers 1 and 2. Survivors of sexual abuse dread in the back of their minds that it will progress into 3 and 4... And that is why a lot of us are essentially alone. I still try to fight PTSD during those rare times when I am able, but all of this is going to take some time. I do, however, have one victory that took over a year to establish: I have let my guard down completely and made myself 100% vulnerable to one person. THAT IS A START.
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