It's really weird how our brains operate. Just about all the ladies in my group therapy class have said they've experienced some horrific, graphic nightmares at one point in their lives after they were victimized. In this instance, my brain somehow managed to combine my abuse with my ultimate betrayal in the form of my father.
Perhaps my subconscious took two matters which bother me constantly and somehow combined them. The fact that I was raped repeatedly on a daily basis is of course traumatizing me to this day. The fact that my father betrayed me by saying it was my fault just as much as it was my rapist's fault (my brother) was the ultimate form of betrayal to me. I suppose the Bible verse being quoted in the dream came into the picture because my dad says I need to "repent in sack cloth and ashes" because of my "deception" in keeping this secret. Nightmares are a "normal" part of this recovery process and perhaps a sign that some issues need to be dug up and dealt with... Now I'm dealing.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
My Struggles, My RIGHTS.
I'm finding that the more I walk on this healing journey, the less denial I have about many things, and the more miserable I feel about them sometimes. I feel like I'm being born all over again, learning how to function, learning how to feel, learning how to think and reason for the first time. Doing all of this puts a strain on a healthy relationship because certain behaviors I used in order to endure those moments of daily torment have carried into today's way of thinking and doing. Dissociation, for example, is a huge burden that's plaguing me constantly. As survivors, just about all of us agree that we have have tried to mentally withdraw or "check out" from a situation so that our sanity could be kept in tact as much as possible, but it leaves us feeling disconnected from the rest of the world.
Recently I've come to terms with another time in which I was raped. I had this kickboxing coach who may have taught me some vital skills which saved my life, but at the same time, he hurt me tremendously. One night I was training at his house and he started making advances towards me. I told him repeatedly to leave me alone, but at the same time, I felt powerless to stop the situation. My dissociation had already begun, so as I lay there frozen, he did what he wanted, and I was left to feel something that was most certainly not the truth. I did not "connect the dots" which would have told me a truth which I know NOW to be true. He raped me, yet at that time, I thought I'd had sex with a man for the first time. The one time when we were driving back to town from a Muay Thai match in LA and he kept putting his hand on my leg (and which I slapped his hand and told him NO) made me think I was somehow at fault because I was in the car. Now as I look back with more strength and knowledge as a result of counseling, I see that after years of being helpless as a little girl, I did the same thing as an adult. Years of dissociation and denial had me frozen on that bed and in that car feeling like I didn't have the right to move or defend my honor.
While that is a rough example of what dissociation may do to a person, there are day-to-day ways in which we dissociate. Those years of checking out of a situation made it impossible at times to think through a situation, plan ahead, see something for what it really was, have a conversation, etc. Seemingly little things that everyone should be able to do as an adult, I could not do. Thankfully, the good Lord gave me a wonderful boyfriend who can see things for what they are and he has the ability to see where I am coming from. He brought up the fact that I always dissociated as a child up until now, so now it is hard for me to make decisions after following the steps involved in the thinking process. For example: we could be walking down the street and there could be a group of guys off to the side. My boyfriend will see a group of guys who are checking us out and making gestures towards us and he will either speed up or have us cross the street to the safety on the other side. Me on the other hand... all I see is a few guys over there, but I'm zoning in on the stop light ahead because everything else is a blur. My whole mentality has been that "If I don't see the pain or the danger around me, it will just pass me by or be over with soon enough, especially if I ignore it." We all know that's wrong, but that was my defense mechanism which worked as a child when I was defenselessly being raped every day. Essentially, I will see green pastures in the distance, but I ignore the flaming volcano between me and the green pastures, so I'll charge ahead through the fiery pathways until I get to the pasture where I can have my peace.
While all of that is really long and hopefully it makes sense, I'm realizing (and you should too!) that as a survivor of sexual abuse/assault, I have the rights to many things. I don't have to dissociate or feel powerless because my life used to be ruled by a monster. No one has the right to step on me, my life, my decisions, my spirit... we really can stand up and say NO or I NEED *THIS*. I found this little list and I really like it. God bless you all in this tough journey! Press on!
As a Matter of Personal AUTHORITY, You Have the Right ...
...to manage your life according to your own values and judgment
...to direct your recovery, answerable to no one for your goals, effort, or progress
...to gather information to make intelligent decisions about your recovery
...to seek help from a variety of sources, unhindered by demands for exclusivity
...to decline help from anyone without having to justify the decision
...to have faith in your powers of self restoration -- and to seek allies who share it
...to trust allies in healing as much as any adult can trust another, but no more
...to be afraid and to avoid what frightens you
...to decide for yourself whether, when, and where to confront your fear
...to learn by experimenting, that is, to make mistakes.
For the Preservation of Personal BOUNDARIES, You Have the Right ...
...to be touched only with your permission, and only in ways that are comfortable
...to choose to speak or remain silent, about any topic or at any moment
...to choose to accept or decline feedback, suggestions, or interpretations
...to ask for help in healing, without having to accept help with work, play, or love
...to challenge any crossing of your boundaries
...to take appropriate action to end any trespass that does not cease when challenged.
In the Sphere of Personal COMMUNICATION, You Have the Right ...
...to ask for explanation of communications you do not understand
...to express a contrary view when you do understand and you disagree
...to acknowledge your feelings, without having to justify them as assertions of fact or actions affecting others
...to ask for changes when your needs are not being met
...to speak of your experience, with respect for your doubts and uncertainties
...to resolve doubt without deferring to the views or wishes of anyone.
Recently I've come to terms with another time in which I was raped. I had this kickboxing coach who may have taught me some vital skills which saved my life, but at the same time, he hurt me tremendously. One night I was training at his house and he started making advances towards me. I told him repeatedly to leave me alone, but at the same time, I felt powerless to stop the situation. My dissociation had already begun, so as I lay there frozen, he did what he wanted, and I was left to feel something that was most certainly not the truth. I did not "connect the dots" which would have told me a truth which I know NOW to be true. He raped me, yet at that time, I thought I'd had sex with a man for the first time. The one time when we were driving back to town from a Muay Thai match in LA and he kept putting his hand on my leg (and which I slapped his hand and told him NO) made me think I was somehow at fault because I was in the car. Now as I look back with more strength and knowledge as a result of counseling, I see that after years of being helpless as a little girl, I did the same thing as an adult. Years of dissociation and denial had me frozen on that bed and in that car feeling like I didn't have the right to move or defend my honor.
While that is a rough example of what dissociation may do to a person, there are day-to-day ways in which we dissociate. Those years of checking out of a situation made it impossible at times to think through a situation, plan ahead, see something for what it really was, have a conversation, etc. Seemingly little things that everyone should be able to do as an adult, I could not do. Thankfully, the good Lord gave me a wonderful boyfriend who can see things for what they are and he has the ability to see where I am coming from. He brought up the fact that I always dissociated as a child up until now, so now it is hard for me to make decisions after following the steps involved in the thinking process. For example: we could be walking down the street and there could be a group of guys off to the side. My boyfriend will see a group of guys who are checking us out and making gestures towards us and he will either speed up or have us cross the street to the safety on the other side. Me on the other hand... all I see is a few guys over there, but I'm zoning in on the stop light ahead because everything else is a blur. My whole mentality has been that "If I don't see the pain or the danger around me, it will just pass me by or be over with soon enough, especially if I ignore it." We all know that's wrong, but that was my defense mechanism which worked as a child when I was defenselessly being raped every day. Essentially, I will see green pastures in the distance, but I ignore the flaming volcano between me and the green pastures, so I'll charge ahead through the fiery pathways until I get to the pasture where I can have my peace.
While all of that is really long and hopefully it makes sense, I'm realizing (and you should too!) that as a survivor of sexual abuse/assault, I have the rights to many things. I don't have to dissociate or feel powerless because my life used to be ruled by a monster. No one has the right to step on me, my life, my decisions, my spirit... we really can stand up and say NO or I NEED *THIS*. I found this little list and I really like it. God bless you all in this tough journey! Press on!
As a Matter of Personal AUTHORITY, You Have the Right ...
...to manage your life according to your own values and judgment
...to direct your recovery, answerable to no one for your goals, effort, or progress
...to gather information to make intelligent decisions about your recovery
...to seek help from a variety of sources, unhindered by demands for exclusivity
...to decline help from anyone without having to justify the decision
...to have faith in your powers of self restoration -- and to seek allies who share it
...to trust allies in healing as much as any adult can trust another, but no more
...to be afraid and to avoid what frightens you
...to decide for yourself whether, when, and where to confront your fear
...to learn by experimenting, that is, to make mistakes.
For the Preservation of Personal BOUNDARIES, You Have the Right ...
...to be touched only with your permission, and only in ways that are comfortable
...to choose to speak or remain silent, about any topic or at any moment
...to choose to accept or decline feedback, suggestions, or interpretations
...to ask for help in healing, without having to accept help with work, play, or love
...to challenge any crossing of your boundaries
...to take appropriate action to end any trespass that does not cease when challenged.
In the Sphere of Personal COMMUNICATION, You Have the Right ...
...to ask for explanation of communications you do not understand
...to express a contrary view when you do understand and you disagree
...to acknowledge your feelings, without having to justify them as assertions of fact or actions affecting others
...to ask for changes when your needs are not being met
...to speak of your experience, with respect for your doubts and uncertainties
...to resolve doubt without deferring to the views or wishes of anyone.
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